Confessions of a Naughty Housewife

No, you filthy minded lot, not those kind of confessions and not that kind of naughty. Honestly, what's wrong with you?

No, the kind of confessions I mean are the sort where you spend all day at home alone, supposedly taking tender loving care of home, hearth and husband - a very Nazi kind of ideal, you know - Kinder, Kuche, Kirche. Anyway, instead of industriously scrubbing away at the kitchen floor, or whatever other fanciful notion he has of how you spend your time, you actually went to the library, found a copy of your favourite trashy author's new book and whiled away the afternoon on the sofa with the book, a duvet, both the warm and snuggly cats and, um, well, six packets of Maltesers (albeit mini ones). Dear God, I hope my husband doesn't read this.

Well days like this are fairly rare, not more than once a week, I swear ;-) But the last thing you can do is let hubby come home and find you on the sofa, the place a tip and no dinner ready for his hungry working-all-day belly. So just about the time he's due back you jump to your feet and think "well, I'd better at least get supper going." You rush into the kitchen, hasten some potatoes into the oven or whatever and then realise the state of things.

OK, if you just empty the cold greasy water out of the sink and refill it with all the dirty things and hot soapy water then the counter won;t be fillwed with stuff and it'll look like you've done something. Since you're doing that you may as well put all the clean things away - the clear space will make it look really under way and efficient. Hrm, now you've put the clean stuff away you may as well actually wash up the stuff in the sink -- there! That's better. No wipe the counter down and put the ketchup away. Cool, the kitchen looks well kept now. Luckily you made the bed when you got dressed, but the sitting room is a dump - sewing stuff everywhere, the sofa throw dishevelled thanks to you and the cats and cushions everywhere. Two minutes work and the room looks very different. Amazing how a heap of sewing stuff looks so much better than a scattered mess...

So there you have it -- my secret to domesticity. Run around and do all the obvious, visible stuff in the half hour before he gets home, then it'll look like you were slaving all day -- but don;t let him catch you doing anything big! Fine if you're stirring a big pot of food, or maybe hanging out the washing or doing a little light ironing, but do not get caught up to your armpits in three days' worth of washing up or he'll know that you've just left it all to the last minute and won't be impressed at all.

On the other hand you do want him to know you're constantly striving for an orderly house, so try and find some small thing he can catch you in the middle of!

And do remember - since you're in the position of being a kept woman there's nothing wrong with having a lazy day to relax, as long as he's not having to take up the slack when he gets home then why not? He'd almost definitely do the same thing if he was in the lucky position to be able to stay at home all day without the pressure of work.